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- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
- here's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
- I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
- I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
- Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- A couple is lying in bed. Man: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." Woman: "I'll miss you."
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
- I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
- Anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
- They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
- "Dad, can you do my homework for me?" "No, I'm sorry, it just wouldn't be right." "Well, maybe not, but give it a try anyway!"
- Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night. One was assaulted.
- What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
- Why shouldn't you make an agnostic mad? Because he might burn a question mark on your front lawn.
- All computers wait at the same speed.
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
- Cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
- Why don't blind people like to skydive? Because it scares the dog.
- Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
- It is better to have loved and lost than to listen to "Lost In Love" by Air Supply.
- A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"
- Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
- Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the desert?
- The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
- What's brown and sticky? A stick.
- Two cannibals eating - one says "Gee, I hate my mother in law". "Well, try the potatoes".
- The invisible man married the invisible woman. Their kids aren't much to look at.
- Why does a Pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat!
- Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "God, it's hot in here!" The other sausage says "Oh my God! It's a TALKING Sausage!"
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